Breaking Free: Empowering Yourself to Identify and Overcome Abuse

Finding a way of escape from something or someone holding you captive is a natural response to breaking free. That thing that holds you captive can make you feel a false sense of comfort, and a convincing argument that there is nothing wrong. Self-talk with phrases such as, “I made a mistake”, or “Maybe if I try harder to please that person, then there will be peace” or believe the lie that you cannot do anything right. Physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being is important, and if these needs are not present in a relationship, this could be a red flag that the relationship is causing harm, thus breaking free to safety may be necessary. Healthy, loving relationships are characterized by respect and mutual care. Abusive relationships often lack these qualities.

“Maslow’s theory of motivation suggest a guide for living. This guide for living identifies five human needs also known as the hierarchy of needs: psychological needs, safety needs, love and belonging needs, esteem, and self-actualization” (Mathes, 1981). When any of these basic human needs are disrupted, these four keys to a health relationship can be sacrificed:

• Safety and Well-being

• Physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being

• Love and Respect

• Forgiveness and Restoration

• Wisdom and Guidance.

Healthy relationships require one to feel safe with the person they are in relationship with. Safe relationships nurture respect, and mutual care. Abusive relationships often lack these qualities. Forgiveness, a powerful tool, does not condone harmful behavior. Often times the abuser will seek out forgiveness of the victim either by temporarily changing their abusive behavior or guilting the victim into forgiving their harmful behaviors. Forgiveness and restoration is possible however, must be pursued in a health way (i.e.: counseling/therapy individually and collectively) but may not be attainable if both partners do not agree. Finally, seeking wisdom and guidance from God and trusted others (i.e.: counseling/therapy) healthy discernment can be attained as to whether the relationship is healthy or harmful.

Domestic violence isn't just about physical abuse. It's a complex pattern of behaviors that one partner uses to control another. Think of it like a puzzle with many pieces. These pieces can be physical, emotional, or even financial. In the coming weeks, we will take a deeper dive into these abusive patterns. The Power and Control Wheel a helpful tool that we will dissect and get a better understand of these different pieces. I Listed below are the common ways that abusers try to maintain control:

• Using Intimidation: Making threats or using scary tactics to keep you afraid.

• Using Emotional Abuse: Saying hurtful things to make you feel bad about yourself.

• Using Isolation: Trying to keep you away from friends and family.

• Minimizing, Denying, Blaming: Saying your feelings aren't important or blaming you for their actions.

• Using Children: Using children to manipulate or threaten you.

• Using Male Privilege: Using traditional gender roles to control you.

• Using Economic Abuse: Controlling your money or preventing you from working.

• Using Coercion: Pressuring or threatening you to do things you don't want to do.

Ephesians 5:21: "Submit yourselves to one another out of reverence for Christ." This verse teaches mutual respect and consideration within relationships. This scripture a powerful reminder of the importance of mutual respect and submission within relationships. While this verse often appears in discussions of marriage, it can be applied to all kinds of relationships, including friendships, family ties, and even workplace interactions. The key to understanding this verse is to recognize that submission does not mean domination or subservience. Instead, it implies a willingness to yield to others for the greater good of the relationship. When we submit to one another out of reverence for Christ, we are essentially putting the needs of others before our own. This fosters an atmosphere of love, respect, and unity.

My friends, I understand that this topic can be difficult to break open, but I believe this issue is important to the body of Christ. Breaking free from the lies we have been taught about submission, and learning the truth through the Word of God, can decrease the numbers of women who are hiding in abusive relationships, thinking they are doing the best thing for themselves and their family. October is Domestic Awareness Month. I have included the phone number to the National Domestic Violence Hotline below, if you or any one that you know needs help for themselves, or for a friend trapped in an abusive relationship.

Seeds for Thought

Being humble and respectful toward one another, as a way to honor Christ.

Share your thoughts about how Ephesians 5:21 can be applied to specific challenges or situations?

Resources:

Mathes, E. W. (1981). Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs as a Guide for Living. Journal of Humanistic Psychology, 21(4), 69-72. https://doi.org/10.1177/002216788102100406

If you recognize any of these behaviors in your relationship, it's important to know that you're not alone. There are people who can help. Here are some resources:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

• Text "START" to 88788

The Power and Control Wheel, created by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, outlines tactics abusers use to maintain control. It shows how physical and sexual violence reinforce more subtle, ongoing behaviors. While the wheel uses gendered pronouns for example, abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of gender or sexuality.

Copyright by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project
202 East Superior Street, Duluth, MN, 55802
218-722-2781